Kurt Russell is a ladies man

“I was in third grade, and . . . I noticed this really hot chick hanging out under the bridge with her friend. She was probably 13, and there was this vibe about her, you know. She says, ‘Hey, come here.’ I think I’m going to get my first kiss. She lifts my shirt, then all of a sudden reaches into her bee hive, pulls out a penknife, and drags it about 6 inches across my stomach. It starts to bleed, and they haul ass. I was, like, ‘What?’ “

Don’t worry Kurt. It happens to me all the time. It happened to me yesterday and last week. I haven’t talked to any other guys about it, but I assume this is perfectly normal. It’s like when you pull a girl’s hair in an awkward attempt at flirting. Usually they flirt back by punching you in the arm. Stabbing just means they really, really like you and puncturing a vital organ means they’re into anal.