David Beckham And Posh’s Naked Lunch Box

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See More... WOULD David Beckham pose for a full-frontal nude photo?

“BECKS SEX PIC SHOCK,” announces the Star on its front page, and readers are invited to look at “Posh’s BIG birthday surprise”.

Forget Goldenballs, this picture is of David, apparently, letting it all hang out. Posh has just turned 33 and the Star wonders if the picture of her husband has “put a smile on her face”. “HAPPY BUFF-DAY VICTORIA,” runs the headline.

We should deal with each rumour in turn and begin by saying that Posh is not smiling. She is pictured looking typically glum.

And on the other matter of David’s “supersize manhood”, we can only wonder.

The Star is uncertain. Has David Beckham, a man whose every off-field move appears controlled by stylists and wife taken his clothes off and shown us his penis?

“The picture is a fake,” says Beckham’s spokesman. “The head is from a photoshoot we did in 2004….and that penis is clearly not his.”

Why clearly, we are not told. Most football fans’ knowledge of player size is restricted to sniggering questions about who is “longest in the shower”. Facts are sketchy.

In a time when statistics are all, a graph of goals scored to penis girth, say, has yet to be produced. Perhaps David is looking to plug this oversight and give his new club a valuable new tool in player recruitment.

Meanwhile, David and, one imagines, his penis are in Paris. He and Posh are dining at the Guy Savoy restaurant, hired out for £15,000 so they can eat unwatched and alone.

And, who knows, maybe they’re naked…

Agents, Rebecca Loos and the curious can see more here (NSFW)