Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman is not down with the brothers

Yes, that’s exactly right. I mean, you just can’t walk up to someone, “Hi.” You know, you’d get hit in the mouth. But when a brother says that to you first or you realize that there’s — there’s a special connection that I thought I had between me and black America.

And I used to say, “I’m black, too.” In other words, I — my whole life I’ve been called a half-breed, a convict, king of the trailer trash, this and that. I take that and stand.

So when I stood there and said, “I kind of know what you feel like, because I’ve been there, too,” I felt that I could embrace and like, as brothers or, even as a black woman, say the word.

You can’t — I now learned I’m not black at all. And I never did it out of hate. This sounds so stupid. I always did it out of love. Other white guys would be like, “Boy, who does Dog think he is? Dog can say that.” And black guys would be with me and walk with me and respect me.

This confusing explanation is only overshadowed by the disturbing anecdote about the birth of his son.

I said — so it was kind of like Tucker was born. His mother’s water broke. We couldn’t make it to the doctor. I pulled Tucker out, and I thought he was dead. He was all blue. And I laid him to the side.

I kept pulling, and of course, the placenta was there and thought, oh no, she has twins and this one is deformed. And there was ambulances calling, and the ambulance driver walked in and said, “Good job, father, but you didn’t cut the cord.”

So when he cut the cord, Tucker started peeing all over my face — and I was, again — and he said, “Great job,” and Tucker took a breath of life. So I rode in the ambulance with Tucker, and on the birth certificate it says “delivered by father.”

So, to sum it up, we discover that Dog thought he was black, but it turns out he wasn’t, he’s sorry about using the n-word, he thought Tucker was deformed when he was born, Tucker peed on his face (literally and figuratively) and Tucker might be using the money he got from The National Enquirer to buy drugs. There’s a lot more, but I think those were they key points. After reading this, I fully expect Hollywood to turn Dog’s life into a movie. Kind of like American Gangster, but more mullety and not as feel-good.

Full Hannity & Colmes transcript [Fox News]

• Dog the Bounty Hunter unleashes a racist tirade (31)
• Dog the Bounty Hunter is cancelled (27)