Good Boys and Shoplifting Hos. Why? Bai Ling, Why?

In the last, what? Six months? Six weeks? Six minutes? The celebrity headlines have screamed “REHAB!” and “JAIL!” and “REHAB!” and “JAIL!” like they have Tourettes syndrome and a rather limited repertoire. It has been tragic. And tiresome. And relentless.

But I’m sure you haven’t noticed. You’re a busy person. And you look lovely in those pants, may I say.

To illustrate my point, an “actress” calling herself Bai Ling or what-have-you, got herself all caught and apprehended and arrested “pulling a Winona”, by which I mean, shoplifting her rich and privileged Hollywood brains out. Any why not? She’s Bai Ling, biznitch!

…and she hasn’t really done anything of note since playing the insane and incestuous half sister of the long-haired mob boss who was psychic or whatever in The Crow. So maybe she was, you know, hurting for cash. We’ve all been there. Except me. As I’m quite rich.

Rich, I tell you!

(Umm…And was she psychic? In The Crow? Or was she just constipated and cryptic? It’s pointless to speculate. Which brings us to another interesting thing of note: The, um, grave of Brandon Lee, the star of that film The Crow who died tragically while filming it, lies about 100 yards from where I sit typing this. Please do not come try and find me. Forget I said anything.)

So maybe she was broke. That’s why she did it. Or crazy. Or, uh, broke. But that’s not what she says of course, because, you know, Asians and their stubborn pride: she claims that, yes, she’s a big rich Hollywood person who has worked with the late Brandon Lee (rest his soul), and she could easily afford the lousy $16 for the magazines and batteries she ripped off, thank you, and she only did it because of “boyfriend troubles”. Which, of course, makes perfect sense. To a monkey.

I bet she was broke.

Anyway, while most stars like, um, Bai Ling are out there getting their asses hauled into prison for this and that, here is the latest headline concerning, um, Bono, and THIS is what I find AMUSING:

“Bono’s Charity Gig Exceeds Expectations!”

EXCEEDED EXPECTATIONS? Bono’s CHARITY EVENT? Surely you jest! Stop the presses! Hold the phone! Call the president! Riot in the streets!

Ohh…that BONO! Exceeding all charity expectations, just like a REAL rock star!

Indeed.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call AMUSING.

Well maybe you had to be there.