Run to the Light, Paris Hilton! at The Insider

Frankly, I’m still trying to grapple with the notion of Olsen Twin pubes. OLSEN TWIN PUBES! ACK! I curse Hugh fricking Heffner for cramming that image into my head. It’ll never scrub out now, dammit. Never.

Curse you, Hugh Heffner! CURSE YOU!!!

Now his pecker will fall off. I’ve got wicked mojo.

ANYhoozitz: So, if you’ve been paying attention (and you haven’t), you’ve noticed that Paris Hilton and her suddenly enormous boobs (where the hell did THOSE things come from? I ask you.) have been constantly in the company of, well, a guru. Or a rimpoche. Or a Lama. Or some sort of monk-man or something like that. The dude is vaguely Asian, roughly two hundred years old, he’s wrapped in old orange sheets and he wears a long white Fu Manchu mustache and a scrackly white beard that hangs to his man-boobs. To date he has been seen doing guru-ish things like blessing her before dinner (hand-on-head style), pontificating to her on otherworldly things (finger-in-the-air style), and making her do unfathomable and allegedly spiritual stuff, like give the diamond necklace she was wearing to a random woman in a restaurant. Which she did. Just walked right up and said, “Howdy, I’m Paris fricking Hilton and here’s my diamond necklace! Om…..” and pranced away. Um.

It’s all a steaming load of horsestuff, of course. Om.

Indeed, the entire thing is a big hoax, a scam, a fraud, as Paris is about as spiritual as Joe Peschi’s butthole (as everyone knows) and her guru-rimpoche-lama-monk-whatever man is about as monkish as an extra in Pirates of the Caribbean. Which he was. And not the awesome Disneyland ride, the butt-stanky Johnny Depp movie. There is photographic evidence (also called “a movie”) and everything. Huh.

If these events have somehow lead you to believe that Paris must be a delightful girl with a priceless sense of humor (I know! Let’s hire an actor to play my GURU, and we’ll take him out to torture the paparazzi—won’t that be a HOOT?), stop right there. She barely had anything to do with it. It was all Ashton Kutcher. Of course.

Behold (from E!):

“The performance for the paps was reportedly for Kutcher’s new E! series premiering this Sunday entled “Pop Fiction.” The show is designed to make gullible paps and media outlets look pathetic by pulling all sorts of pranks.”

Well. Here’s a joke on you Ashton Kutcher: You’re wife is ten seconds from menopause.

PUNK’D!