Dear Ethan Hawke: Reality Bites

But Uma, bless her overblessed heart, didn't love it so much, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't cheer a little bit when she kicked his greasy, cheating, bad-novel-writing ass to the curb. I KNEW he was scumbag, and, thankfully, so did she.

We knew better than we knew, Uma and me. Because not only had Ethan been sharing his artistic soul with other women - including, probably, the nanny, who he later proceeded to knock up - he had been baring that soul in his songwriting, with lovely ditties that might as well have been named "My Stupid Wife Hates Me" and "My Hater Wife Has Left Me And I Hate Her" and - destined for the Ethan Hawke Classics Collection - "My Wife Is A Big Fat Beast."

According to a writer for New York Magazine, Ethan Hawke made a surprise appearance at the Atlantic Theater on St. Patrick's day, jumping onstage with his GEE-tar and dipping into his back catalogue of previously unheard Ethan Hawke classic trax:

Out of nowhere, actor Ethan Hawke hopped up onstage, strapped on an acoustic guitar and bared his soul to the audience. "Someone I know wrote this song while shooting a movie in Paris during his divorce," he said. We, along with the rest of the audience, gasped. He was totally talking about himself, and more important, Uma Thurman!                                                                                                                  Wait, but didn't they get divorced seventeen years ago? Who cares, we said to ourselves, because by the way, Ethan looks good. He proceeded to sing a ditty that included lyrics about "not caring if [he] ever saw New York again," "the lawyers," and — most telling — "my wife." Uma! "My wife hates me," he sang, adding something about how she would call him a prick, how he longed to send for his children, tralalala singing stuff. We were intoxicated, both with beverages and with memories of Dead Poets Society. And then! "My wife is a big fat beast," he sang. We gasped, along with the rest of the audience. He called Uma fat! In public! Sheepishly, Hawke broke his musicianly stride: "Yeah, I was very upset at the time."

I don't know what I find more surprising about this story: that Ethan Hawe could call Uma Thurman a 'big fat beast' with a straight face, or that the writer of this story could possibly think that Ethan Hawke is 'intoxicating.' Somebody was obviously serving pints of Crazy Beer chased with shots of Delusional Sauce at that gig.

And I'll bet that somewhere? Uma is sorry that she missed it.

Source

27 MamaPop Published 3/24/08   Message Add to Friends