Evan Rachel Wood Is An Ass

“People always call out, ‘Hi Rachel.’ I hate it. I’m not Rachel. That’s my middle name. They’re all dyslexic. Can’t they see Evan comes before Rachel?”

Wow. Maybe they could call out things like, “hey, you. Yeah you. The chick who has sex with a guy old enough to be your dad.”

Or, maybe the fans could try, “Doe s he call out your name in bed or Dita’s?” “Does he like it that you have a boy’s name?”

I know why you have the Rachel in your name. It is so casting agents will know you are a woman. Plus, if you put Evan and Wood together it sounds like Ed Wood which would suck, because he’s dead. It could also be confused with Evinrude which is a boat motor. The thing is though, your name is confusing, and I hate typing it. I’m sure others are just excited to meet you until they realize it isn’t Rachel Bilson they are meeting.

One thing you need to realize as you reach drinking age is that without your fans, you will be nothing. See, the entertainment business works by fans either buying tickets to see you in a film, or caring enough about you to watch you on television when they have hundreds of other things from which to choose.

The parents of all your fans are already scared of your boyfriend, and if you go around pissing off the rest of your fans by calling them dyslexic, there won’t be anyone left who even gives a good damn about you anymore.