DailyContempt

Frankly, I’m still trying to grapple with the notion of Olsen Twin pubes. OLSEN TWIN PUBES! ACK! I curse Hugh fricking Heffner for cramming that image into my head. It’ll never scrub out now, dammit. Never. Curse you, Hugh Heffner! CURSE YOU!!! Now his pecker will fall off. I’ve...

Patrick Swayze’s not lookin’ too hot. Hell bells, to tell it true, the boy hasn’t looked too hot since 1984-ish, but how would I know that? I was barely even born yet maybe. But these days he’s looking especially not good. “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie...

We’ve spent way too much energy scrutinizing celebrity paunches lately, don’t you agree? Way too much—glaring and staring at this or that bimbos belly, trying to figure out, clinically speaking, if there’s a baby crammed up in there somewhere. And what the problem is is these...

Alright. I’m ready to talk about it know, I think. Pardon me if I break into hysterical sobs and run screaming from the room. Which I will. Thank you. Now, you see a lot of crazy stuff when you report on the comings and alleged goings of that bizarre universe that is celebrite. I’d...

When Paris Hilton cries, the angels sing. It is fricking hilarious. When Whoopie Goldberg cries, it is not hilarious. It’s horrible. No angels sing. It’s painful to the soul. The tears of Whoopie cry can scar you for life. And what’s almost as horrible—maybe even more...

Prince, who is very weird, has been very weird a very long time apparently, because he’s old suddenly. So old, in fact, that he fell down, and he couldn’t get fun-kay. So he wheeled his weird and aged ass to geriatric services, and had his poor creaky old hip replaced. Now he’s...

Fascinating things are happening! Pipe down and pay attention! ‘m just kidding. You can pipe back up. I love it when you pipe. Check it out: Amy Winehouses’ husband overdosed on the horse, the junk, the magic dragon (as it were) yesterday, and HE DIDN’T DIE SOMEHOW. You heard me....

Listen! LISTEN! I command you! By the flaming pink freckly nipples of Lindsay Lohan! I COMMAND YOU! This is IMPORTANT! Oh, wait a minute. No. It isn’t important at all. It’s just Britney fricking Spears…and she’s flashing. Her. Disgusting. Lunchmeat-like. Labia. Lips. AGAIN....

n the broader sense, the universal sense, I guess it doesn’t matter. Nope. Not a bit. We’ll all laugh about it some day. And heck, in a hundred years, as they say, who’ll give a crap? Right. The super intelligent cockroaches who will rule the earth then. They’ll give a crap....