The Insider: Contributed by DailyContempt

His Name Is Prince, And He is Elderly!

DailyContempt — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 14:59:08 GMT

Prince, who is very weird, has been very weird a very long time apparently, because he’s old suddenly. So old, in fact, that he fell down, and he couldn’t get fun-kay. So he wheeled his weird and aged ass to geriatric services, and had his poor creaky old hip replaced. Now he’s recouping, and drinking lots of fluids. (Which is always important.) When reached for comment, Diamond said, “Well, it’s about time, he’s stubborn as a mule!” and Pearl said, “Heh? What’s that? I can’t hear a damn thing, the battery in my aid is low…WHAT?” Elsewhere: Michael Jackson is not so very old (for a tree), and neither are those poor souls that he pursues romantically, har har. (Pricilla Presley was younger than him, and so was that maid chick that had his kids, I think. What did YOU think I was talking about? Little boys?) Indeed, he has some fight in him yet—and he’s fighting to save his notorious Neverland Ranch, where nothing felonious happened, thank you. The evil tax man wants to auction it. But Michael has rallied all his hellish forces to combat the auction, and apparently the best strategy they could come up with was…a loan. So he signed for a big ass mutha’ of a loan—which he will no doubt just heap upon the other bazillions of dollars worth of loans he’s taken out in desperate attempts to save his wicked existence. This one is for $24.5 million. Which is a bargain, considering what his dates cost him. In court costs mostly, but the Jesus juice bills can add up too. Ouch. In other wretched fossils: Boy George. Time has not been kind to him. He was never what you’d call attractive, unless you were from the mossy crags of Pluto, but today he is less human more than he is the illegitimate lovechild of Dame Edna and a giant flesh-eating maggot. Be that as it may, he wants you to understand that he is a decidedly Not Guilty flesh eating maggot. And so he has pleaded not guilty to charges of false imprisonment charges, for those charming allegations that he kidnapped a man-whore and chained him to the wall. But you know he did it. Probably. Maybe. Definitely. Lastly: Naomi Campbell was hospitalized in Sao Paulo for the removal of a small cyst. Normally, the cyst would not have required an operation, but she exacerbated the situation considerably by trying to beat it out herself with her cell phone.

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DailyContempt — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 13:15:09 GMT

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Good Boys and Shoplifting Hos. Why? Bai Ling, Why?

DailyContempt — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 13:38:44 GMT

Something amuses me. Amuses me! And I’m relatively confident that it will amuse you too. So I am going share it with you. That’s how much I love you. In the last, what? Six months? Six weeks? Six minutes? The celebrity headlines have screamed “REHAB!” and “JAIL!” and “REHAB!” and “JAIL!” like they have Tourettes syndrome and a rather limited repertoire. It has been tragic. And tiresome. And relentless. But I’m sure you haven’t noticed. You’re a busy person. And you look lovely in those pants, may I say. To illustrate my point, an “actress” calling herself Bai Ling or what-have-you, got herself all caught and apprehended and arrested “pulling a Winona”, by which I mean, shoplifting her rich and privileged Hollywood brains out. Any why not? She’s Bai Ling, biznitch! …and she hasn’t really done anything of note since playing the insane and incestuous half sister of the long-haired mob boss who was psychic or whatever in The Crow. So maybe she was, you know, hurting for cash. We’ve all been there. Except me. As I’m quite rich. Rich, I tell you! (Umm…And was she psychic? In The Crow? Or was she just constipated and cryptic? It’s pointless to speculate. Which brings us to another interesting thing of note: The, um, grave of Brandon Lee, the star of that film The Crow who died tragically while filming it, lies about 100 yards from where I sit typing this. Please do not come try and find me. Forget I said anything.) So maybe she was broke. That’s why she did it. Or crazy. Or, uh, broke. But that’s not what she says of course, because, you know, Asians and their stubborn pride: she claims that, yes, she’s a big rich Hollywood person who has worked with the late Brandon Lee (rest his soul), and she could easily afford the lousy $16 for the magazines and batteries she ripped off, thank you, and she only did it because of “boyfriend troubles”. Which, of course, makes perfect sense. To a monkey. I bet she was broke. Anyway, while most stars like, um, Bai Ling are out there getting their asses hauled into prison for this and that, here is the latest headline concerning, um, Bono, and THIS is what I find AMUSING: “Bono’s Charity Gig Exceeds Expectations!” EXCEEDED EXPECTATIONS? Bono’s CHARITY EVENT? Surely you jest! Stop the presses! Hold the phone! Call the president! Riot in the streets! Ohh…that BONO! Exceeding all charity expectations, just like a REAL rock star! Indeed. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call AMUSING. Well maybe you had to be there. Never mind.

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Jane Fonda: Takes One to Know One

DailyContempt — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 18:26:15 GMT

Well, let’s just have out with it: “C&nt”, that’s what she said, and “c%nt” is what she meant. And especially for the benefit of you poor lost souls dangling under the tyrannies of office jobs, here it is again in your singular “Safe For Work” lingo: “C*nt”. C#nt. C%NT! That’s what she said. And of course we’re talking about dear old Jane Fonda, whom many have said is something of a c*nt herself, and she said c%nt on live teevee. And, as we all know, C%NT is not something one is “allowed”, as it were, to say on live teevee. Indeed, no. It is not. Now, Jane. Before we continue, let us consider her. Thank you. If you think about it, Jane Fonda is now at just about that “certain age” (Jurassic) in which saying things like c!$%nt on national television could possibly be viewed as something of a quaint eccentricity on her part. Like some sort of dear grand auntie whom suffers from terrible turrets syndrome, and shouts things like “C#NT!” and “N@gger!” when she means “Sugar bowl!” and “Please let the cant in!” And maybe in Switzerland or Norway or some civilized country, it this excuse might have “flown.” But this is America, and we all know that’s not what really happened. And if we don’t, I’m about to tell us. Because I’m a patriot. That’s why. What really happened is that the old bat was on the damn Today Show or what-have-you, and she was talking, for reasons known only to herself and her God, about the damn “Vagina Monologues.” Now, nobody, but nobody, wants to hear about the damn “Vagina Monologues” let me tell you—vaginas are terrifying enough without them launching into speech. I’m sure you agree. (Also, that crap is so ’90s.) Anyhoozits, in order to liven up the bit, I guess, when it started to drag (and how couldn’t it), she just launched herself right into the conversation with something like, “Well, when they called me up and asked me to be in a play called “C%nt”, I just thaught, now, I have enough problems already…”, which, of course, is slighty amusing but makes no sense at all, because the play is not called “C%NT”, it is called “Vagina Monologues” (pay attention!), and nobody wants to talk about it. And there is no play called “C%nt”, and there has never been a play called “C&nt”, and there never, ever, God please, shall be a play called “C%nt”, so it follows that no one asked her to be in a play called “C&nt”. So what exactly the hell is this woman talking about? C%nt. That’s what. And I don’t want to talk about it any more. Oh, Jane.

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Did Amy Winehouse, or Didnt She?

DailyContempt — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 16:48:28 GMT

Do you wanna hear a rumor about a celebrity that is totally true? Are you sure? Awesome. Rob Reiner picks up migrant workers from the Home Depot parking lot and pays then to choke him in his shower. 100% true story.

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Is Anybody in Hollywood Not on The Drugs? hello? anyone?

DailyContempt — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:19:23 GMT

Drugs. Well, they’re awesome, aren’t they? Of course they are. They must be. Totally awesome. Awesomest. Awesomer than fabulous careers, fame, money, beauty, and teeth, otherwise how to explain Amy Winehouse? She’s more famous for her drugging than her singing, and Evel Kneivel himself couldn’t jump the jagged holes in her smile (or in her arms), were he alive, which he isn’t. And that’s the good news. But, sadly, drugs can have all sorts of unexpected side effects too—and not just the regular old expected side effects like all your teeth falling out and going to jail. Side effects like the dreaded Not Able to Get into America Syndrome, which afflicts Amy Winehouse as we speak, and Always Getting Confused with Claire Danes Syndrome, which Kirsten Dunst suffers from. And yes, Claire…I mean KIRSTEN…is a big druggie, you betcher boots. Especially when she is at Sundance. Which isn’t saying much because I’ve bee to Sundance, and EVERYONE but EVERYONE at Sundance is a coked-out disaster: it’s a miracle any films are seen at all. But apparently poor Cla…I mean KIRSTEN, dammit…partied a little too hardy this year, as they say, and she cracked. Broke down. Choked up. And now she’s in rehab… You didn’t see this coming did you. Yes, she’s in exactly the SAME rehab that Eva Mendez is in as I type this, and the SAME rehab that Linsday Lohan (remember her? Me neither!) was confined to all last summer, and what does this have to do with Amy Winehouse not getting into the country? Excellent question. Amy has been denied a visa, which she apparently needs, to get back into this country, and all on the basis of her relentless hoovering and smoking and injecting and so forth. She was supposed to sing at the Grammy’s, but now she’ll just have to stay home and smoke crack with her cat and lose some more teeth. As usual. In other “news”: Hugh Heffner, who was Moses’ towel boy, has announced that his girlfriend is pregnant, and don’t try to tell me some kind of drugs weren’t involved in THAT charming scenario. Don’t you even dare. Yay drugs!

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Britny Brain Damaged and Secretly Drugged

DailyContempt — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 16:23:18 GMT

I’m going to have to break my promise again. I am an Indian promiser. That’s what I am. But it can’t be helped, it won’t be helped, I JUST have to say SOMETHING about BRITNY freaking SPEARS. I can’t help it! And neither can you. Well, the whole thing has gotten so God-darned awful, I just HAVE to pay attention…and say something. It’s all like an unlikely bad soap. It’s hard to put into words just exactly how awful t is. But allow me an attempt: It’s Anna Nicole Smith awful. Yes, THAT awful. Check it out: Okay, the story so far, as I understand it (and I understand it good and plenty), Britney’s, as it were, “peeps”, have filed a restraining order against her former manager, a creepy man called Sam Lutfi. Now, I, like you, had absolutely no clue what a Sam Lutfi was just ten minutes ago, but I know now, and what Sam Lutfi is is freakin’ Blackbeard, man. I’m telling you. According the restraining order, which was obtained by flying monkeys in powdered wigs (or maybe I just dreamed that part. I drink, you see.), Sam was secretly drugging Britny in an insidious plot to maintain control of her mind and her forty million dollar empire. Apparently, he dosed her with a brain-twirling concoction of prescription insomnia medication and anti-psychotic pills, and even crushed them up and slipped them into her food unawares, like some nightmare Disneyland witch. The poison effect of such a terrible potion.. given by such a terrible man for such terrible reasons…were devastating on poor Britney’s fragile mind, and the reports I’m getting now claim that her doctors are fixin’ to put her in some sort of induced coma to try to heal her damaged brain! Terrible. Beyond the power of words. I’m speechless, I tell you. Do you hear me? Speechless. And Sam? Well, damning evidence is popping up aplenty to support the terrible claims, and the restraining order was granted. On report clams that “Sam had told Britney that she was an unfit mother, a piece of trash and a whore, that she cares more about Adnan, her current boyfriend, than she cares about her kids, and that she does not deserve the kids then he said if she died, he’d piss on her grave.” Charming. Anyhoozits, them’s the details to date. And I don’t want to talk about it anymore. In other news: The toxicology reports on Health Ledger say that he died of too many prescription drugs, just like my grandma did. I didn’t know Heath and my grandma had so much in common

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Paris Hilton Cries Me a River!

DailyContempt — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 14:03:08 GMT

Well, I’ve calmed down, thank you for asking, and today is a bright and fresh new day. Let us embrace it by, as I promised yesterday, not mentioning, um, Princess Crazypants. Besides, if you don’t think anything interesting is happening in the universe of celebrite except Bri…well, That Wretched GIRL…you’re as crazazy as she is! Check it out: Today Paris Hilton cried. Cried! Pinch me Loretta, for it’s almost too good to be real, but she BURST into TEARS and blubbered like a broken baby! Bwaaaa..wa, wa, waaaaaaaaaaaa! It was fabulous. And if this isn’t butterscotch scrumptious enough, there is full photo and video documentation of the event to commemorate it for future generations, and if THAT isn’t good enough, just guess who made her cry? Guess! Right. 50 Cent! Amazing. Here is what happened: 50 Cent was rapping or whatever. Rap, rap rap! It was during some swanky and, as they say, “star-studded” Super Bowl pre-party thingy, in, for some unfathomable reason, Scottsdale, Arizona. (Is that where the Super Bowl lives? I’m clueless.) During his performance, Paris, ever presumptuous, thought it would be a good idea to rush the stage and treat the audience to a lovely whore dance. Dance, dance, dance! Mr. Cent, never to be upstaged by a Hilton, paused mid rhyme and told the stupid biznitch to get the, and I quote, “[bleep]”off his “[bleeping[“ stage, thank you madam. Indeed! Well, Paris, who doesn’t like to be yelled at unless it’s for money, broke down like a dairy mule and wept herself a river to swim out on. Which she promptly did. Witnesses say that she hadn’t cried that much since she went bonzo in prison, which reminded me that I had already totally forgotten shed ever been to prison. That’s how damaged my attention span is. I blame television. What? Cry cry cry, swim swim swim. And it will all be on YouTube forever. Thank you, Jesus.

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Nothing About Brittney Spears or Eva Mendez or Kirsten Dunst, Dammit!

DailyContempt — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:31:15 GMT

Is there anything happening in the world that is not Britney Spears, Britny Spears, BRITTNEY SPEARS? No. Well. I didn’t really think so. According to a source: “In a heavy British accent, a ballistic Brit screamed (about her parents), “I’m so sick of all of this they can have the goddamn house and stick it up their f**king asses. Actually, no they can’t.” Oh dear. Oh, dear dear dear. And, um: “The judge in the hearing today has issued a restraining order against Sam Lutfi — ordering him to stay away from Britney Spears.” But, uh, then: “A Los Angeles court commissioner has placed Britney Spears and her estate under temporary conservatorship. That means her financial assets and other holdings will be managed by a conservator — the conservators are Jamie Spears and attorney Andrew Wallet.” And, well, then…oh screw it. I can’t take it anymore. In anything else: Eve Mendez, who is an actress with very large boobs, has checked herself into rehab because she is apparently riddled with substance abuse that may or may not have anything to do with her very large boobs. She is in the same rehab that totally failed Lindsay Lohan and her boobs last summer. Isn’t that nice? Then! It seems as if Kirsten Dunst, who I ALWAYS confuse with Claire Danes, isn’t going insane, like everybody said she was. Well, I never said she was, but apparently some other people did, and if you heard that, well darnit, it’s just not true. Not true, ya see! So stop poking her with sticks and asking her to weave baskets. And that’s not about Britney either. So. Hooray! Just for that I hope Claire Danes never goes insane! I mean Kirsten Dunst! Whatever! Finally: Madonna has apparently grown a penis. “It’s bloody huge!” says an apparently British source. “It just sprung up one night, neat as you please! And there it is all big and hairy like—I can’t say I didn’t expect something like this all these years, the way she is you know, but, blimey! You should see it! And the children? Oh, they love it: how they poke it with sticks and laugh…” And yes I made that entire last thing up. But aren’t you glad it wasn’t about Britney fuckucking Spears? Aren’t YOU??

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Britney in for the Long Haul!

DailyContempt — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:58:20 GMT

Well, the big news today is that Heath Ledger is still dead. Horrible. But I’m keeping vigil. I’ll never stop. Never. Stop looking at me like that. Have you never loved? Besides that, Britney Spears is insane. It’s totally official. She is “in for observation” (as they say), which in medical terminology means, “We’re going to charge you $750,000 dollars to tell you what you already know—you crazazy, biznitch!” (Somebody call Michael Moore! Oh…no…please don’t, he eats all the pickles.) And this is a very, well, something or other, situation, indeed. (Adjectives fail.) For you see, if the so-called “observation” goes badly, well. She could be locked up against her will indefinitely. As in “for life.” And say what you will about that poor girl, that would be, as they say, the pits. If it goes “well?” They’ll charge her double, let her out, and she’ll just keep being crazazy. This doesn’t look like it is going to happen though, as the hospital has already classified her as GD—“greatly disabled”. Well. At least she’ll get the good parking spaces now. It’s the silver linings that keep us going. What I think? Thanks for asking. I think that Britney does not need expensive quacks quacking around her addled little head; what she needs is the world’s strongest coffee enema (call Starbutt’s—we need a double-tall Crapuccino, stat!”), a good slap across the face, a restraining order against all paparazzi, and three years camping in the Swiss Alps with a heard of Ethiopian orphans, survivor style. Then she needs to get a real driver’s license and another one of those little red string Kabala bracelet thingies. Straighten her right up. Otherwise, you know. She’s just gonna die and junk. Heaven forbid. Mark my words. But something very strange, here: There is a very hot actor called Justin Chambers, and he plays Dr. Alex Karev on “Grey’s Anatomy.” (I never watch.) Well…um…I don’t know how to say this, but he checked himself in to the loony bin today too, to “get some help” with some sleep and anxiety issues he has. The weird thing? He checked into the exact same psych ward as Britney. Indeed. UCLA Medical Center. And what, exactly do you make of that? Coincidence? Chance? Are they secretly screwing, or going to screw? Or is Britney so powerful a trendsetter, she has made madness the new teacup poodle? Yes. That’s what I think. Speaking of people who are going to die: Amy Winehouse. Even her poor old mum said so in an interview with the BBC. “If my ickle girl don’t stop wif the drugs and the ‘eroine and all, she’ll be dead in a year, she will!” she said, and then she sold me a meatpie and a lump of coal for three farthings, ten. Then she sang, “The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly on the Plain” for ten pence more. Lovely voice. A bargain Poor Amy Winehouse.

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