The Insider: Contributed by Maha

Brain. Getting. Damaged

Maha — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 06:24:57 GMT

McConaughey said the following about his new child Levi....yes...LEVI:"We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music. I have it all chronicled. Becoming a dad is something I've dreamed of doing since I was 10. Becoming a father felt very, very natural. We were jamming! She was sweating. No painkiller, let's go. She just clicked into that gear that only a woman has at a time like this. We'd been up for 40-something hours, and we went from dead tired to a really steadfast, 'Let's handle this… let's stay in the rhythm. Don't let the contraction be more than you. I've pulled out some baby pictures of myself, and the resemblance is amazing. This kid has a lot to learn from us. I want him to come out being a little wiser, a little cooler and a little happier than we are." Aside from pointing out the obvious retardation projected in the above, I am going to make it OFFICIAL: the next parent to talk about birth as a “spiritual” and “beautiful” experience WILL receive a swift kick in the ass. Women usually crap themselves seconds after the baby enters the world. It’s like *FART* “Surprise little Timmy...and welcome to life” It’s funny, we come into the world at the peak of our mother’s crap, and when we die we will also crap ourselves moments before we let go. And we all wonder what the meaning of life is.... In other news, little Levi McConaughey will die in a horrible baked accident. McConaughey will smoke its ass.

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Gay Kabbalah?

Maha — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 06:08:55 GMT

Lindsay McLeggings and stud muffin Samantha Ronson have matching promise bracelets that are not only taking their sham of a relationship to a whole new level, but are ugly as hell. According to a “source” : “The bracelets represent their relationship — they have each other on lockdown, and there’s no one else who can open up the key to their hearts." You know what? I exhausted every way possible in expressing my bitter hate towards these two boobs, so I'm just going to say this: They both need a good pounding, and I know that could mean many things. Use your imagination.

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Titty Tuesday Fling - Chace Crawford is a white boy

Maha — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:51:16 GMT

He may be dumb as hell, and looks it too, but I’d hit it. Here is Chace Crawford distracting us from Maggie’s fashion at the Mercedes-Benz Polo Challenge in the Hamptons on Saturday. Yes that is a white people event. Wow I am ANGRY today…this is what happens when I’m unemployed for too long. I get vengeful and stabby with a slight case of pedophilia. Don’t even try to decipher that, trust me my therapist(s) tried.

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Titty Tuesday Fling - Maggie Gyllenhaal continues to live

Maha — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:39:45 GMT

I hate Maggie Gyllenhaal. Wow I wish I could have articulated that emotion for you, but it’s pure and simple, I hate her. And now even more than ever. Because she decided to redeem her bad acting by showing up in a silk jumper three sizes too big in all the wrong areas. I'm craving ABBA.

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Holy dysfunctional family Batman!!

Maha — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:22:29 GMT

Christian Bale was taken into police custody for allegedly assaulting his mother and sister at London’s Dorchester Hotel. Not only did he fight off the allegations but Bale cooperated with the cops and has been released without any charges. Duh! He is Batman after all! Usually I’d find domestic abuse to be both unjustified and cruel, however I am currently depressed and bitter due to my unemployment (hence the lack of blog updates) so I can’t help but laugh at the thought of Christian Bale storming into the hotel room in a the bat cape yelling out KAPOW and BIFF as he punches away all while singing NANANANANANANANANNA BATMAN BATMAN BATMAN! I blame Maggie Gyllenhaal....just because I can.

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Heidi Montag Mistaken for Osama Bin Laden; Bombed Away

Maha — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:09:12 GMT

Is what I hope the next headline to read. Apparently Heidi and Spencer Pratt are going to Iraq to support the troops. The first thought that came to mind was….we’re still there??? But my mind shifted faster than a hamster’s when I realized how brutally funny it would be if they got stuck in Iraq and were forced to serve. Dying for a loss cause IS actually funny. And let the hate mail roll in.

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Megan Fox is what I expect her to be

Maha — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 18:04:49 GMT

Megan Fox may be a pretty girl, but that’s about it. And her exterior is not all that either, if I wanted Angelina I’d hit Angelina. I don’t want her cheap clone. If I was a dude the only thing I’d want from her better present itself in the first minute of our first conversation., because god knows having a conversation longer than a minute with this thing is good enough to make one take a bath in battery acid. She is the dumbest person I stalk. Here is what she has to say about Hollywood films: “I would love to do a movie naked – it would be beautiful. No one dares make that kind of film today. They did it in the 1930s in an arty way, so why not now?” You know those girls who go to the club and proceed to make out with one another just to get a free drink but then refuse your advances but continue to give you the teasing eye? You know those girls who talk about their sex drive in front of a group of their guy friends and then shrug it off with a smile like it's not a big deal when really they know what they're doing is making their guy friends shoot their pants but they'll do it anyway because they will die a horrible death if they couldn't be the center of attention and the object to crave at all times?? Enough said.

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And It wasn't long before this...

Maha — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:50:40 GMT

AND it wasn’t long before someone did what I thought they would do. E! Online decided to compare the dress the so very useless L.C wore to the The Dark Knight premier to none other than the curvy useless creature known as Khloe Kardashian. Here is my original post to help you understand my anger: http://www.celebrityfling.com/f/titty-tuesday-fling-lauren-conrad-hates-food

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James McAvoy Wants Matt Damon

Maha — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:39:28 GMT

Okay so I may have exaggerated that headline, but when I hear James McAvoy and Matt Damon in one sentence I kind of get all Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction….or just Glenn Close in about anything. Bitch is scary. James McAvoy revealed the following to Details Magazine: “I want to be like Matt Damon and do a hugely successful thinking-man’s action franchise like Bourne.” If you read between the lines you notice the following “I want Matt Damon do man action” And my day is complete.

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Because I Can

Maha — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:21:11 GMT

This is a great month for magazines.

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Titty Tuesday Fling - OMG I have A New Hero!

Maha — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:17:26 GMT

This is the hottest outfit I have ever seen in my life. It’s Mark Twain meets 80’s aerobics meets special ed. Diane Kruger is officially my new hero. Words can’t describe the anger that brews within. It’s like I vomited all that anger and Diane Kruger wore it.

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Titty Tuesday Fling - Lauren Conrad Hates Food

Maha — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:58:44 GMT

Summer time brings out the worst in everyone. Many people would say the winter blues bring out the worst in anyone, and Christmas time brings out the vengeance in even that sweet 70 year old sweet lady in the neighbourhood who hands out the good chocolate bars for Halloween. Something about candy canes shoved up chocolate Reindeer asses just doesn’t scream jolly to me. What the hell was my point? Oh yes, summer time makes us ladies forget that we still need our bodies for the rest of the year. Last time I checked anorexia was kind of deadly. Is it just me or did Lauren Conrad lose a butt load (no pun intended) of weight recently? Here she is at The Dark Knight premiere last night looking deadly. But don’t worry, I’m sure People Magazine will point out her cute dress and sexy shoes in their next month’s issue! Not only will they write “FAB!” in a red bubble right beside this picture but they’ll also compare the dress on someone three times her size with a big “BOOO” caption. Or better yet a picture of Conrad with the headline “How she lost weight: Secrets to sexy celebrity bodies!” with a smaller sub headline “cocaine and lots of crying!”. People Magazine need to hire me. I want to work their advice column. Preferably their teen section so I can teach them the importance of suicide to maintain harmony and balance in our world. I wonder if I can room with Charles Manson in hell.

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The Dark Knight Premiers - Awwwwwwwwwkward

Maha — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:34:13 GMT

The Dark Knight premiered last night in NYC and I’m going to assume it was a very awkward night. Two reasons: the Ledger Family attended and Maggie Gyllenhaal was allowed in. I don’t know how good of an idea that was. It’s like being invited to a wedding party and sitting next to the ex wife of the groom. Just saying, the premier must have been a downer. And now to avoid the flow of hate mail, let’s look at a picture of Al Pacino’s vintage mug shot. The bitch was hot.

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A Toast to America

Maha — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 06:01:29 GMT

Happy 4th of July to all you Americans and all you non-Americans currently being held hostage in your own countries by American military. Isn’t Independence fun??? God I love America, it is truly a land of opportunity! Just ask Samantha Ronson. Sure she is useless and sure no one really knows what she does or what she is or why she is what she is, but America has not failed her! She is now on the tip of every gossiper’s tongue and literally on Lindsay Lohan’s. Ah Lindsay Lohan! She is the epitome of everything stereotypical of American living. She and her family are the perfect white trash image of America. But they give hope to others like them to not try to change who they truly are, but to embrace their sub culture and to stick up to the world and say “Hey, if I want my cousin to be a baby daddy for my love child, and if that love child is now my husband then so be it”. Just look at the Spears sister. They in return give hope to the trailer trash communities of America. They give hope to those beer bellied teenagers to step into corporate America and mass produce their All American-apple-pie-girl-next-door-image, into the cookie cutter-bleach blonde-fake boobed starlets, fulfilling all those superficial American dreams. Look at Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt! The perfect example of The American Dream! They give new meaning to the over privileged white American youth! Money, youth, mass produced lifestyle, passive global attitude! They are the ideal representatives of the new and uprising MTV generation. So grab a glass and toast America today. Toast their youth, their Hollywood starlets, their family structures. Only in America can you walk free from a DUI, only in America can you pay an 18 year old $300,000 to not admit to having sex with you, only in America can R. Kelly pee on you and have you like it, and only in America can Madonna be an "artist"...I mean Europe has Gauguin and Da Vinci but Madonna has cone boobs! And in America boobs win. Happy Birthday America. And God Bless.

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Air Brushed Scarlett

Maha — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:12:24 GMT

Cosmo has always been my friend but they fail me every time with their over airbrushed covers. I’m not a fan of ScarJo but we all know she is not a size….what the hell is that anyway?? It looks like she's trying really hard not to fart. My waist is smaller than that but god knows my chest isn’t the size of Mexico! Can we please just let this girl show off her wiggles and muffin tops?? Maybe then I’ll like her. Wait, no, she’ll still exist. Sorry guys I really just don’t see her appeal as an actress or a singer. However a stripper, that I can sort of believe. Sort of.

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