The Insider: Contributed by Websters

Insecurity

Websters — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 02:55:46 GMT

I'm sorry Roxy... I'm like, thirty, y'know? The only way I can relate to these people is by making fun of them. I hope you can understand.

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Insecurity

Websters — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 02:55:46 GMT

I'm sorry Roxy... I'm like, thirty, y'know? The only way I can relate to these people is by making fun of them. I hope you can understand.

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Snaps: Superpowers

Websters — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 19:25:08 GMT

Neil Patrick Harris is an adorable fairy. (Seriously? OMG!) Whoa. Meg Ryan really does have superpowers! She can go from skinny to fat to skinny like a speeding bullet! (Yeeeah!) Amy Winehouse smokes funny looking cigarettes. (Celebslam) Ethan Hawke refreshingly does not hide his newborn daughter so he can sell pictures of her to a tabloid magazine, therefore I will not make fun of this baby. (Celebitchy) Siegfried and Roy are the proud parents of two new baby tigers: "Stripey" and "I'll Finish the Job-ey." (Ayyyy!) Rose McGowan doesn't see the point of Comic-Con if you can't fulfill hundreds of nerd fantasies. (The Blemish) Since Amy Winehouse is terrifying to most creatures, this makes sense. (Agent Bedhead) In the epic battle of Shanna Moakler v. Kim Kardashian, there are no winners or losers because they're both still whores. (IDLYITW) Dustin is working on getting the review of Step Brothers up... (Psychic Spoiler Alert: It Blows!) (Pajiba) So in the meantime, check out some awesome T-shirts. (Pajiba) Elmo plots to kill Mariah Carey. If he can't have her, no one can! (BestWeekEver)

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Would You Rather (Attend)? (Event Edition)

Websters — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:13:25 GMT

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Chafing

Websters — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Chafing: (Verb) To make a part of the body sore by rubbing against it. There are certain things in life which I have come to accept. I'm never going to be a millionaire, "Arrested Development" was canceled, and Britney Spears is never going to wear a bra. But damn girl -- really? Not even a sports bra on the treadmill? My nipples hurt just looking at this. I would undergo hours of water torture or sit through a marathon of "The Hills" before running on a treadmill without a bra. Damn. Britney Spears areolas have got to be as numb as Jenna Jameson's vagina by now.

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Geek

Websters — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Geek (Noun) A person involved in methods of escapism involving, in general, computers, sci-fi, anime, comic-books, horror films, video games, etc. More often they possess a better than average intelligence, but it's not a prerequisite to being a geek. Socially adept, given the proper context. Comic-con officially kicked off in San Diego last night, and the geeks are out in full force, donning their favorite costumes, speaking in geek tongues, and geeking out in general. We found these photos of what we can only assume is a new character in the Marvel Comics Universe: Botox Barbie, who defeats her enemies by deadening the nerves in their fa ... What's that? These aren't pictures from Comic-con. Wait?! What? That's who?! No, it's not. Shut-up! No way! What happened to her face? Are you sure? But I thought celebrities got plastic surgery to look younger?

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Slow News Day

Websters — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 16:11:06 GMT

Slow News Day: (Phrase) A day in which nothing especially newsworthy happens, so newspapers and other publications are forced to pull out all the stops by either making up news or reporting on the stupid and mundane. To answer your question US Weekly, I don't have any kids, but occasionally I myself will partake in popsicles for dinner. Editor's note: Consuming an entire box of Sugar-Free Fudgesicles® for dinner may cause severe diarrhea.

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Tool

Websters — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:10:15 GMT

Tool: (Noun) A socially inept asshole who tries way too hard. New York Magazine is reporting that Dustin Diamond Screech is writing a tell-all book about his years working on the "Saved By the Bell" franchise, aptly named Behind the Bell. The book will feature stories of the throwing under the bus variety, involving his more successful cast mates (re: all of them) including "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying." Veteran ghostwriter Alan Goldsher is said to be helping pen the memoirs. Ugh. Can you even imagine how bad it would suck to be Screech's ghostwriter? To be captive audience and paid to listen to all of his assy stories? And then you know he'd probably think that he actually made a friend, so he'd be calling all the time to go grab a beer or play video games or whatever. No fucking thanks. I tried to think of a worse celebrity-related job, but even Paris Hilton's gynecologist or Kayne West's bottle warmer didn't come close. Mario Lopez, who also sucks but it much nicer to look at than Screech:

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Tree Molester

Websters — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Tree Molester (Noun) A person who seems to believe that trees have sex appeal. Often mistaken for a tree hugger, the Tree Molester is a dying breed. Hunters, be cautious not to shoot these rare perverts. Tree Molesters will sometimes refer to themselves as "forest fairies." Please ignore their insanity, it is caused by toxins in the water from which they drink, and from a poison in a root that they commonly use for human sacrifices to the gods. In my experience with these creatures, it is best to avoid them at all costs. Capture could result in a painful, fiery death after which your flesh would be feasted upon. They share traits with the cannibal. They are weak against the force of automatic weapons, so if you find yourself in a situation where you must interact make sure you have said weapon nearby. (Source: Urban Dictionary).

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Born Free

Websters — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Born Free: (Title) 1966 classic easy listening song honoring a famous lioness raised by humans and released into the wild. Two captivity born 14-week-old American Bald Eagles born were released into the wild yesterday at the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, after having been named by Miley Cyrus and her father Billy Ray. The American Eagle Foundation has released more than 90 eagles from Dolly Parton's Dollywood theme park in East Tennessee since the 1990s. The eagles were named Tennessee (after the Cyrus' home state) and Hope (Miley's given middle name before she had it legally changed this year). (Source) I have to tell you, I was so moved by this majestic act of heroism that it inspired me to put together a fitting tribute of my own. So I decided to name two stinkbugs I found in my house Miley and Billy Ray, and then I flushed them down the toilet. It's the only thing you can really do with stinkbugs, you know. Because if you stomp on them they just get their stank everywhere and it's really gross. Even the dogs hate it. Miley Cyrus on TRL yesterday, sadly instead of getting her eyes pecked out by a couple of confused and irate eagles:

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Wah

Websters — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:10:04 GMT

Wah: (Exclamation) The noise a stupid crybaby makes. As is the plight with many of Hollywood's marginally talented young actresses who make mediocre career choices, Megan Fox too carries the weight of the heavy cross of hotness. She tells MTV UK.com, "I'm not comfortable with it (FHM Sexiest Woman) at all. It annoys me. (Source) I totally hear where she's coming from. You know what annoys me? When I'm just minding my business at the Target or whatever, wearing what I feel comfortable in, and people are all like leering at me and crap. Like they're never seen lingerie before! Or how about when some uppity "store associate" comes over and tells me I have to "cover myself up." The nerve! Hello?! It's summer. What am I supposed to wear, a parka? Old photos of Megan Fox in, uh, FHM being totally unfairly objectified:

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Snaps: Nightmares

Websters — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:09:59 GMT

Proof that nightmares really can come true! Brooke Hogan may really be posing for Playboy.(Yeeeah!) Bai Ling reveals her nipples in public; straight men cover their mouths in horror. (Celebslam) Anna Kournikova can't play tennis, but that doesn't stop her from taking off her clothes. (The Blemish) Yeah. It's true. MTV is remaking Rocky Horror for Generation Douchebag. (Seriously? OMG!) Michelle Williams is now dating Spike Jonze, which -- all things considered -- is kind of cool. (Celebitchy) Texas police use racial epithets? Noooo. (Celebwarship) LC (Lauren Conrad) is SL (Sloppy Drunk). (imbringingbloggingback) Matthew Perry! Then and now. (Ayyyy!) First, read the Top Gun review; then read about the impending sequel. (Pajiba)

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Lithe

Websters — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Lithe (Adjective) Marked by effortless grace.

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Eerie

Websters — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Eerie: (Adjective) Strange and frightening or unsettling. Hear me out now. It's not the Dead Daddy Cake that creeps me out, it's the maniacal grinning and giving of the thumbs up. Personally, I think Dead Daddy Cake is a dish best served somber. Of course, I always cry while I'm eating cake, but that has less do to with dead people and more to do with a crippling eating disorder. Editor's note: Nice shirt, Paris.

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Trailer Trash

Websters — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Trailer Trash (Adjective) Derogatory description for person who seems well-suited to residential life in a mobile home park. The UK's Sun -- that unholy bastion of truth -- claims to have a source who knows the scoop behind the "assault" incident between Christian Bale and his family on Sunday night. The 34-year-old Batman star is reported to have snubbed the plea and allegedly 'pushed and shoved' Sharon and his mother Jenny, 61, during a row in his suite at the Dorchester Hotel on Monday. A source told The Sun: 'Christian is a very wealthy man and was asked to help his sister out financially. 'He was asked to loan her £100,000 but he refused and it caused an almighty row.' Jenny Bale is also said to have made highly disparaging comments about the star's glamorous wife of eight years, Sibi, 38, a former make-up artist and model. So, let's read between the lines here, OK? So, Jenny was like, "I need some grocery and cigarette money. Just a loan. I'll pay you back. I swear! Can you help a sister out?" And Christian was probably like, "Fuck you. Where were you when I was making movies nobody ever heard of, like Metroland and The Secret Agent." And she was probably, like: "We've always stood behind you, in our hearts!" And then he said, "I earned this money wearing a rubber suit for 12 hours a day. You chose to be a circus clown. I'm not going to pay for your bad decisions." And then Jenny probably said, "Your wife is a whore." And Christian probably got up in her grill and went all apeshit on her, "Do you know who I am? I'm Batman, bitch. I will cut you." So, you know, typical trailer-trash bullshit. It reminds me of home. The names and the dollar amounts are different, but it's nothing you wouldn't hear at the Hurricane Lake Mobile Home Park in Bryant, Arkansas. Here's Christian Bale and that "whore" of a wife at last night's Barcelona premiere of The Dark Knight:

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BLINK!

Websters — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:59:00 GMT

BLINK! This post does not contain a definition; it contains a plea. You'd think Miss Universe would be experienced enough by now with, like, life, that she'd know to blink every once in a while. I feel like she's trying to burn a hole in my soul with her eyes.

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Sexy Mofo

Websters — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:10:34 GMT

Sexy Mofo (Noun) A sexy mutha you know what! Fuck Mulder! You wanna talk about getting hotter and hotter over the years, let's talk about Luis Guzman. Rawr! Is that rain drops or sweat that's gathered around his gut, because Daddy likey. Daddy wanna give Luis a tongue bath.

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Sexy Mama

Websters — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:10:31 GMT

Sexy Mama: (Slang) An individual who is smokin' hot. Mmmmm... Pardon me while I melt into a puddle of quivering jelly. How is even possible for someone to just keep getting so much fucking hotter and hotter as the years go by? Oh yeah, and you know, Gillian Anderson ain't looking so shabby herself.

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Drama Queen

Websters — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:14:16 GMT

Drama Queen (Noun) An overly dramatic person; someone who turns something unimportant into a major fucking deal. Kelsey Grammar, whose spokesmen revealed seven weeks ago that he suffered from a mild heart-attack while vacationing in Bermuda, told "Entertainment Tonight" that the heart attack wasn't at all mild and that, in fact, it almost killed him. "They had to blast me twice and get me started all over again," he told the news program in an interview to be aired on Thursday evening. "I did think: 'Oh gosh, I have got to hang on. I've got too much junk I've got to take care of. I've got to take care of the family."' Grammar, who stars in Swing Vote, alongside Kevin Costner, which opens next month, says that he was suffering from stress, which may have contributed to his near-death experience, after his sitcom, "Back to You," was canceled last year. "Obviously you play the hand you're dealt, and it has been a very interesting hand lately; it has been tough," he said. (Source) Poor Kelsey. It really does have to be tough for the guy. The paltry royalties from two of the most successful (and re-ran) television sitcoms in history he probably has to subsist on. The heart attack was probably because of all the fast-food he was forced to eat because he couldn't afford anything else but the dollar menu at McDs and Ramen Noodles, which he had to eat in Bermuda. With his wife. In a hotel room that costs more per night than most of us make in a year. Poor bastard. No wonder he had a massive heart attack, so massive in fact that seven weeks later he's shoveling shit and doing press tours for his upcoming movie. You gotta make a living, I suppose.

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Wrong

Websters — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Wrong: (Adverb) In an unsuitable or undesirable manner or direction. What. The fuck. Seriously now. There is so much going on in this picture that disturbs me, I'm almost at a loss. First of all, why are three adolescent boys who are allegedly A) straight, B) virgins and C) brothers draped on each other like it's the cover of a fucking spank mag? I mean, the one on the left is literally in the process of seductively ripping off the shirt of the one in the middle, while the one in the middle is holding onto the tie of the one on the right like it's a leash. Kinky. Second of all, what are a bunch of Grade A Turds like the Jonas Brothers doing on the cover of Rolling Stone in the first place? I understand that Rolling Stone is hardly the bastion of pop culture relevancy these days, but it's like they've just completely given up at this point. Death row inmates in Texas are less resigned than this. More of the Jonas Bromos hanging out with Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Gah:

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