The Insider: Contributed by doodlewhore

Loving the Alien

doodlewhore — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 23:37:00 GMT

Anybody watching the annoyingly titled reality show The Next Food Network Star on (duh) the Food Network? It's pretty bad, but now I'm hooked. I have no standards when it comes to summer TV viewing and I'm ok with that. Anyway, my favorite contestant is the severely bobbed ice queen dominatrix alien, Lisa Garza. According to the Food Network Addict blog, she's none too pleased about the way she was portrayed on yesterday's episode. If you watch the show and give a rat's ass, check out the poop here. If not, I did some bad photoshop of Ms. G sharing recipes and cooking tips with her alien relatives. "What Vulcan child wouldn't love horseradish and cous cous?" "Romulan remoulade is a dish your entire alien race can enjoy." And for good measure, here's David Bowie:

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Video Whore: Angie

doodlewhore — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 00:51:00 GMT

I'm posting this for no reason other than the fact that the theme song for this long forgotten 1970's era sitcom is still ingrained in my mind after all these years. Remember when sitcoms actually had theme songs? This one is particularly long even by 70's standards. Any Doodle Whore readers out there old enough to remember this chestnut? And where is that pint-sized ingenue Donna Pescow today? Who cares. Enjoy.

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It's Brenda, Bitch.

doodlewhore — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:57:00 GMT

News about the possible return of Brenda Walsh to the new 90210 iteration has been burning up the blogosphere this morning and I can only imagine Camel Spelling isn't pleased. I'm thrilled that the world will once again be graced with the Picasso-esque eye balls of Shannon Doherty, the original Wonk-eyed tabloid oddity. Sources say "she wants to know what the story is going to be first." What difference does it make? It's not like she's been terribly busy since she hopped her broomstick and left Charmed. I did like that SciFi show she hosted where they scared the shit out of people. Shanny really didn't do much, but hey, it's a living. Scare Tactics: Brenda and Tori in Paris (be sure to watch the last minute to see supermodel Tori work her magic):

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Spencer and Heidi are Richer Than You

doodlewhore — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 15:05:00 GMT

I have to be honest. The longer Speidi remains a part of the public landscape, the more I like them. They're vile, craven, famewhores who'll debase themselves on TV and in tabloids for money and attention and I find it fascinating. In theater-speak it's known as "staying in the moment" and they're 110% committed to being total assholes all of the time. I kind of respect that. And they've allegedly parlayed their notoriety as celebrity tools into $3 million over the last couple of years. How does that make you feel?

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Boy George in a Dilly of a Pickle

doodlewhore — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:40:00 GMT

First the UK won't let Martha Stewart in, and now the US won't let Boy George in. Says Ms. George, "I'm pretty devastated because I am so excited about this forthcoming tour and having my visa application denied seems unfair after I swept the streets of New York spotless. There are a number of public figures who are openly using drugs and they have no problem with immigration and I have seriously turned my life around and I feel great right now and this is just another reminder of how bad things were. I committed a crime and I happily paid the consequences and I should be allowed to move on and get on with what I do best and that is performing and making people dance and cry!"I was going to make a lame pun about "karma" and "chameleons" or some such nonsense, but I won't. It's too easy. A NOTE ABOUT THIS DOODLE: If you look closely, you'll see that it's dated '84. Yep, this is Vintage Doodle Whore, people. I had just turned 16 when I did this as a greeting card to my best friend Dan. For better or worse, I really haven't changed all that much since then. I'm still doodling celebrities and blathering on ad nauseum about Boy George, Madonna, and Joan Collins. But I'm definitely dressing better. There's not a stitch of Genera in my closet, I wouldn't be caught dead "pegging" my jeans, and I haven't bought any St-St-Studio Line by Loreal hair products since like 1989.

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Video Whore: Tino Watches Youtube

doodlewhore — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 20:08:00 GMT

I was enjoying this amusing video of an Italian Greyhound howling along to the Supremes this morning at World of Wonder and Tino decided to sing along. I've tried to get Tino to howl like a coyote for six years and this is the first time he ever complied. It's too long and I didn't edit it at all, but it's cute. Also, sorry for the slow posting around here. I'm working my ass off on my fourth kids pop up book this week (you can see my first two here). And it doesn't help matters that it's hotter than Paris' fetid clam here in the Catskills. (Is she pregnant? Ew.) And double apologies for just noticing the backlog of delightful and informative comments that I just approved on my last Dina post. Mercury retrograde ensured that I didn't get my email notifications for the last few days. I knew that Dina doodle would spark a lively discussion of lesbianism, motherhood, and Papasan Chairs. Speaking of Dina, how rotten is Living Lohan? I didn't think I could dislike her more, but her new show drags her vileness to new depths of depravity. It's unwatchable, which means I'll probably watch the whole thing. I have a sneaking suspician that she's banging Jeremy, Ali's songwriter/producer twink. I smell a sextape. Ew. Too far.

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Dina Lohan: Cool Mom of the Year

doodlewhore — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 23:48:00 GMT

I'm finally back from my much needed vacation (I went to the Bahamas and stayed at the swanky Cove at Atlantis) and I've been dying to doodle Dina, Lindsay, and Samantha. I can't count how many pictures I've seen this week of Linds and Sam swapping spit on Diddy's yacht, holding hands, and buying overpriced organic groceries together. You gotta hand it to Dina, though. She could catch those two love birds scissoring on a Papasan Chair and she wouldn't be phased in the least. Maybe she is a "cool mom" after all! Doodle Whore wants to know what you think, dear reader. I happen to be a gay dude who loves lesbians and woman in general. However, I do not understand how hot chicks like Lindsay Lohan or Cynthia Nixon end up bumping clams with, shall we say, not so traditionally beautiful ladies who love ladies, if you catch my drift. In the gay world it would be analogous to, say, Mario Lopez turning homo for Bruce Bruce Vilanch. Seriously, I'm baffled. Explain this phenomenon to me please.

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Cher, This Time with Chastity

doodlewhore — Wed, 21 May 2008 14:47:00 GMT

I received several urgent emails chastising me for leaving Chastity out the frame of yesterday's doodle. Well, actually it was only one request from my politically incorrect, pop culture spouting, Mariah loathing, Madonna loving blog buddy Joe To Hell, but I'm sure there were more of you thinking the same thing, so here you go. I was mindful to include every possible lesbian stereotype: Birkenstocks, overalls, asymmetrical frosted wedge hairdo, tool belt, power drill, cat, and set her working under the hood of her purple El Camino. I'll save the vibrators, soy milk, organic yogurt, and L Word dvd's for the next one. P.S. I love Chastity and thought she was great on Celebrity Fit Club a few years back :) NOTE: This is probably my last doodle until I return from my much needed summer vacation. I'll resume my doodle duties the first week of June. In the meantime, check out the poll in the upper right corner and let your voice be heard. And if you're in LA on Friday May 23rd, come to the Dial M for Madonna art opening at the World of Wonder Storefront Gallery and say hello. Better yet, buy my art. World of Wonder Storefront Gallery 6650 Hollywood Blvd. Los Angeles,CA,90028 8pm to midnight

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Video Whore: Happy Birfday Cher!

doodlewhore — Tue, 20 May 2008 15:17:00 GMT

I hope this doodle doesn't give you the impression that I don't like Cher. I love Cher and always will. There's no way in hell I'm missing her alleged "Farewell Tour" in Vegas. Did you see Cher and Tina Turner duetting Proud Mary on Oprah? It was insane. Tina looked great. Cher looked embalmed, but great. Oprah was doing that obnoxious bellowing, deep voiced announcing thing she does when she's overstimulated by celebrities. And it took a little digging, but I finally found this classic SNL spoof of Cher's unintentionally hilarious infomercials for Lori Davis Hair Products. Chris Farley and Christina Applegate are brilliant in this clip. I was laughing to the point of tears after watching this: Proud Mary:

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Posh's Hooves

doodlewhore — Fri, 16 May 2008 01:08:00 GMT

After seeing this breathtaking photo of Ms. Beckham on Dlisted, I had to doodle what her feet look like under those floor length bell bottoms. I'd like to imagine they're grotesquely calloused stubs with tiny little toe nails poking out of the bottom edge. Like an elephant's feet. I also took the liberty of giving her an extra hairy lady bush. Beck's likes it that way, so I hear. Doodle Whore wants to know what you think, dear reader. What is the real reason Vickie B. is hiding her hooves?

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Video Whore: Happy Mother's Day

doodlewhore — Sun, 11 May 2008 23:17:00 GMT

VIA JOE TO HELL

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Like a Doodle

doodlewhore — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:50:00 GMT

I just found out that two of my Madge flavored masterpieces are going to be exhibited at the Dial 'M' for Madonna show at the fab World of Wonder Storefront Gallery on May 23 in Los Angeles. The first one is titled The Madonna Face Project (see above). It's a 16 piece series of 8"x 10" ink on paper illustrations. The second is my Hard Candy doodle from last month which gently critiques her overuse of the lyrics "waiting, hesitating, and anticipating." I helpfully suggest an array of other words that rhyme with waiting. I'd love it if she managed to work "carbon dating" or "metal plating" into her next smash hit pop song. I'm not sure if I'll be able to attend the opening, which is a shame because I love L.A. and I'm sure it's going to be a total scene. Poo. Here are the deets: Toward the end of May the "depARTed" show will have departed from the World of Wonder Storefront Gallery and been replaced by Madonna (as most things are). "Dial M for Madonna," curated by James St James and Steven Corfe and opening with a gala reception on May 23, is a 40-artist-strong group show of all things Madge, from a conical bra made entirely of chocolate to a photograph of the Village Voice’s Michael Musto spoofing Madonna’s Sex book, “standing naked in a Jersey street with nothing but a wig and a cig to distract from my painfully tucked penis.” Opening night will also feature a video tribute to the late great 400lb Madonna impersonator, Queerdonna. You'll want to mark the date on your calendar or iCal and be there, because the Storefront receptions usually are the shizznit. It's already getting press.

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Dina Lohan: Pimp Momma of the Year

doodlewhore — Mon, 05 May 2008 18:11:00 GMT

Since being green is all the rage, I'm recycling this doodle of Pimp Momma Dina from January. Not only is she still brassy, sassy, and orange, but she's been designated one of the Top 20 Long Island Mothers of Celebrities. She's being honored by Mangling Mingling Moms, a social networking organization for mothers. Lindsay must be so proud. Since we're on the topic, let's not forget Britney and Jamie Lynn's Pimp Momma extraordinaire, Lynn Spears.

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DW in NYC's HX: OMFG!

doodlewhore — Sun, 04 May 2008 20:55:00 GMT

Many thanks to the gang at HX for writing this kick ass article about Doodle Whore and Handsome Devil Press. I love that they printed my doodle of Hillary Clinton in Madonna's Hung Up wardrobe so huge.

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Paula "I've Never Been Drunk In My Life" Abdul

doodlewhore — Fri, 02 May 2008 16:32:00 GMT

What's worse: admitting to being a pill popping drunk to explain one's erratic behavior or claiming that one is completely lucid and clean and still says crazy shit on a regular basis for no good reason? For me, the only bright spot in this rotten season of American Idol been Paula. Her perpetually addled pea brain is like a Boggle game that rearranges a limited collection of words and phrases: You're you. Upper register. Lower register. You're a star. I'm thirsty. Repeat. I almost wet myself when she short circuited and judged Jason "Whiny McDreadlock" Castro's phantom second performance. I know drunks often see double, but Paula actually hears double, too. Now that's entertainment. This is where I was going to recap my thoughts on this week's AI, but my blog buddy at The Sectional did it way better than I could. I totally concur with his excellent analysis! Watch Paula embarrass herself (again):

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The Hills Deconstructed: The Hills Have Eyes

doodlewhore — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 21:05:00 GMT

Bulging, shifty, side-eyes a plenty. I have to give props to those crafty MTV editors for turning Lo, Audrina, and Lauren's awkward lunch into a tour de force of straw slurping, eye rolling, and pregnant pauses. Oh, Audrina. I can't imagine you really want to move in with these two passive aggressive drama queens, do you? Just do what the script is screaming for you to do: move in with Heidi! Preferably, in the mansion right next door to Lo and Lauren. Then I want Spencer to move out of Stephanie's apartment and into a big ugly RV and park it on the lawn so he can keep an eye on Heidi (and piss in Lauren's bushes). Read all of my in depth The Hills analysis here.

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Mariah's Flailing Limbs are Distracting

doodlewhore — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:43:00 GMT

I've been watching her promote her new album all over the place and I'm mesmerized by her wardrobe choices (Wet Seal? Forever 21? Isn't she like 45 or something?), her bronzed motionless forehead, and her perpetually flailing limbs and finger choreography. You know it's because she can't dance with her legs like a normal person that she feels the need to do all that pointing, waving, and fluttering. Like a butterfly. Hell, even that gold digging hag Heather Mills could dance and she has a peg leg. I lump Ms. Carey in with other celebrated divas who couldn't cut a rug to save their lives like Whitney and Kylie. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I kind of like her new single "Touch My Body." I know, it's embarrassing. But I also secretly liked "We Belong Together," too. I'm fascinated by the way she's capable of cramming a million words into a single phrase or verse of a song until it sounds like gibberish. Honestly, I never really paid much attention to her until her post-Glitter public meltdown. Nothing thrills me more than watching a celebrity unravel before our eyes. It's not nice, but I can't help it. Just check out my myriad Britney posts for proof of that. Watch Mariah flutter, poke, and flail: Watch Whitney shake her weave and barely move her legs: Watch Kylie bend, pivot, and move her arms a lot: Watch Heather Mills dance her leg off: Get Games and Fun Videos at MyPartyPost.Com

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No More Waiting or Hesitating. I Need My Hard Candy NOW!

doodlewhore — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 19:01:00 GMT

I'm a die hard, true blue, dyed in the wool, ecstatic, worshipful Madonna fan. Even though she's rhymed "waiting" and "hesitating" in far too many songs over the years, I don't care. Speaks in a fake British accent? Awesome! Makes me love her more. Can't act her way out of a paper bag? Buy me the dvd. I've always said she could simply fart into the microphone over a drum machine loop and I'd buy it. And the remixes. Thankfully, Hard Candy is way better than that! I listened to 30 second clips of all of the tracks on a weird German website last night (since removed) and they're all better than 4 Minutes to Save the World. I predict that the next single called Give It to Me is going to be a smash. The hypnotic trancy synthline made me tinkle, sent chills up my spine, and caused me to gyrate wildly while seated at my desk (yes, my back is feeling much better). And I'm thrilled to hear her singing in her nasally Michigan/Midwest upper register like in the good old days. Hard Candy comes out in the US on April 29, pre-order it here. Tick tock tick tock... Check out all of my insightful Madonna doodles here.

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