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Blake Fielder-Civil got 27 months for beating up a bar owner. Amy Winehouse was not present at the sentencing...I guess the stress was too much for her. Blake could be out on parole by Christmas if he behaves himself. Will Amy still be alive by then?

You know what those autistic kids need? A good smack on the ass. That'll fix them right up. And all those little bastards with Tourette's...just cuff them around a little bit. That'll cure them This dude had a rough childhood.

The newest Tom Cruise rumor has Hollywood clamoring for him to revive Top Gun. "The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor," said an insider, "and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot.” I don't know if I've ever heard a worse idea. Which of...

Jessica Simpson made her debut as a country singer at something called Country Thunder in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The former pop princess attempted to compensate for her lack of country chops by wearing Daisy Dukes, but this failed to distract the beer-swilling fans who'd assembled to hear the...

Patrick Swayze continues chugging away despite pancreatic cancer. No funny here I'm afraid...Swayze's alive, but still too sick to make fun of. If he were mentally ill like Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse or Courtney Love, then it would be okay.

Here's the first teaser for the Jennifer Aniston-Owen Wilson comedy Marley & Me. Is the dog somehow possessed by the spirit of Bob Marley? I don't know. The teaser is lame. Chariots of Fire? Nice current reference there. It was either that or a goof on True Heart Susie. There were...

The first known picture of Halle Berry's baby Nahla Aubry. Some trespassing was apparently involved in getting this. Hope the snapper was well-paid.

Darling little Suri...she has absolutely no idea how -up and weird her life is. She's going to grow up thinking she has little aliens living inside her, and that Tom Cruise is just a normal daddy, and that all kids have robots for mommies. Her sweet sixteen bunker birthday party will be quite...

The legendary John Cleese is having sex with a 34-year-old magazine executive named Veronica Smiley. The name "Smiley" is somewhat ironic here given that Veronica's face appears to have been Botoxed into total paralysis. I'm assuming this chick has incredible sexual powers or a fantastic sense of...

Courtney Love may be the greatest I've ever seen at talking crazy . She's the only person I can think of who could've possibly concocted the following: Over the years Gwyneth [Paltrow] has always invited me out to London and I have always procrastinated. I was like, "What if I come out to hang out...