The Insider: Contributed by slamcut

Fat Meg

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:51:00 GMT

Meg Ryan wears a fat suit in her new comedy My Mom's Hot Boyfriend. Why didn't she just shoot her belly up with the same shit she put in her lips? Wouldn't have needed the fat suit. And by the way...didn't Gwyneth Paltrow already do this bit?

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New Delusions

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:52:00 GMT

Canadian psychologists have identified a new form of mental illness whereby nutcases come to believe they are living in a reality show that the entire rest of the world is watching. The disorder, dubbed "The Truman Show Delusion" after the Jim Carrey film, has afflicted five known people so far, all males between the ages of 25-34. "I realized that I was and am the center, the focus of attention by millions and millions of people," explained one of the loons. "My family and everyone I knew were and are actors in a script, a charade whose entire purpose is to make me the focus of the world's attention." Sounds crazy. But not as crazy as these other 10 new delusions just identified by medical science: "Alec Baldwin Delusion" - Sufferers tend to become pasty and bloated, and spend their days engaged in crazy political rants that no one listens to. May also verbally abuse family members. "Perez Hilton Delusion" - Those afflicted with this particularly nasty mental disorder are plagued by the mistaken belief that they are hilariously funny. They also become absurdly litigious and begin to smell strongly of zit cream. "Heath Ledger Delusion" - Sufferers believe they are dead. "Madonna Delusion" - Veins begin protruding. All pigmentation disappears from the skin. Patients become obsessed with fad religions and develop romantic fixations on Latin athletes. "Tom Cruise Delusion" - A belief that one has magic healing powers. Sufferers may also develop the intense desire to kidnap bland film actresses. Homosexual tendencies may develop, only to be severely repressed. "Tara Reid Delusion" - You know, when no one gives a shit about you but you think you're famous. Also known as "Kristin Cavallari Disease" and "Brandon Davisism." "Jocelyn Wildenstein Delusion" - Thinking you become more beautiful the more you resemble a person whose face was blown off in a propane tank explosion. "John McCain Delusion" - The sufferer stoops more and more until he resembles a bridge troll. He then changes all his political positions in the wholly mistaken belief that this will get him elected president. "Brad Pitt Delusion" - Thinking you're a man even though you haven't got a pair. "Angelina Jolie Delusion" - Characterized by the intense desire to collect human beings of various ethnic backgrounds. This is followed by the overwhelming urge to have one's picture taken in refugee camps and disaster zones while dressed in native garb. Sufferers become so impervious to pain that they can laugh all the way through dangerous surgical procedures like C-sections. Weight loss may result in the patient coming to resemble a circus freak. The face may also become frozen in an expression of supreme self-satisfaction. The lips may bloat and the veins become prominent on the arms. Other symptoms may include the desire to have sexual relations with one's own siblings, an intense fascination with sharp objects and the need to steal other women's husbands and denut them.

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Feldman Crappos on Jacko

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:43:00 GMT

Corey Feldman has bitten into Michael Jackson like a fat Ohioan going after a barbecued rib. "He did real damage in my overall life," Feldman said of Wacko, his former friend. "I was a 12-year-old boy who was hurt by his family and ignored by people at school. Michael would sit and talk to me for hours and he would listen. Then he would get bored. The biggest thing that Michael's done to children is befriending the ones that are in need and then abandoning them. "(He'd say) 'Hey, I love you, I'm here for you, anything you need, you call me, I will be there for you.' Then the very next day, the number's been changed. As a 12-year-old kid, that's a pretty hard one to comprehend." Bulletin: Michael Jackson is a creep. Hey Corey, here's what you could do for us...snap and kill the guy, then shoot yourself. That's what's known as a win-win.

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Single Silverman

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:39:00 GMT

Sarah Silverman has broken up with Jimmy Kimmel (yes I know it happened awhile ago...don't start). Hetero males all supposedly dig this chick because she farts and belches and tells dirty jokes. Really...you guys have such low standards. Anyway, I find her mildly amusing...more so when she's dissing Paris Hilton to her useless wonky face. She's no Phyllis Diller though.

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Whose Idea Was It?

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:25:00 GMT

Us Weekly is reporting exclusively that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's new twins Knox and Vivienne were conceived via in vitro fertilization. "They both desperately wanted more babies soon," a source explained. And apparently Brad's sperm count is low. Or maybe he just got tired of fucking a stick-person. All that jabbing and poking. Okay, so Brad and Angie skipped the whole putting the penis in the vagina thing and went for the sure shot. This is the 21st Century...lots of people do it. Especially rich people who can afford the procedure. Still, everyone's going to read hilarious stuff into this. Brad can't get it done or Angie's actually a lesbian or some other crazy crap. It's natural and harmless.

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Nick Jonas Bags Selena Gomez

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:35:00 GMT

Nick Jonas - the one Miley Cyrus enjoys sending naughty pictures of herself to - is reportedly dating little Disney tart Selena Gomez. Reps for the Jonas Brothers were quick to deny this story however, saying, "They are not girlfriend and boyfriend. They're friends. All of the Jonas Brothers are friends with Selena." All of the Jonas Brothers? Do they do her all at once or take turns? Oh, I'm sorry...they're all virgins.

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Bale in Barcelona

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:21:00 GMT

Christian Bale continues touring Europe in support of The Dark Knight, appearing here in Barcelona with his wife Sibi Blazic. What else can he do but put on a brave face and soldier forward? He shouldn't sweat it too much...he's just got a little more edge to his image now. Maybe Shia LaBeouf, who seems hell-bent on convincing people he's not a little pussy, should try popping off on his crazy family in public some time. You know, call his old man a "nigga" and such.

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You Can't Fool a Dog

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:17:00 GMT

Jennifer Aniston may be head-over-heels for John Mayer, but her Corgi/terrier Norman apparently isn't. "It's funny because John likes dogs but for some reason Norman has taken a disliking to him," a source said. "Jennifer dotes on Norman and treats him like a child. But she has got to the point where she's had to keep him out if the way if John is around the house." Jennifer's own instincts are obviously horribly out-of-tune, otherwise she would see Mayer for the heartless cad he is. Maybe the dog will do all womanhood a favor and bite Mayer's dick off.

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Two Fake Winos

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:09:00 GMT

Madame Tussauds' waxwork of Amy Winehouse is about as flattering as she could've hoped for. They could've done her a bigger favor though and gotten rid of the hideous tattoos. If the thing breaks out in hives or keeps falling over for no reason, we'll know the real Wino spirit has gotten into it. The Yorkshire village of Methley, in an effort to scare off pesky birds, has erected a playful, all-too-accurate facsimile of Wino. The birds are all gone, but now the place is swarming with drug dealers.

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Hathaway's Diary Seized

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 11:59:00 GMT

The feds recently raided jailed con-artist Raffaelo Follieri's Trump Tower apartment, and among the items seized was a personal journal written by his ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway. The feds also grabbed some personal photos of Follieri and Hathaway, and other photos showing Follieri alongside Pope John Paul II, Hillary Clinton and John McCain. Meanwhile, sources say Follieri has been trying to contact Hathaway from jail, but that Hathaway has had all her numbers changed. "Raffaello is doing very badly," a friend said. "He says people are abusing him. He’s a broken man." All these cowardly pieces of shit claim abuse after they get thrown in jail - it's a grab for victim status and it's totally transparent. And Raffaelo should just give up on Anne - that chick totally sold him out. Allegedly, Raffaelo planned on staying in Europe while he was being investigated, but Anne lured him to America because she wanted to "talk about their relationship." And that was when the feds nabbed him. She was deep into it, no question.

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Williams Moves On

slamcut — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 11:52:00 GMT

Michelle Williams appears to have moved on from the death of Heath Ledger. The actress has been spotted around New York with director Spike Jonze, who was once married to director Sofia Coppola. "Michelle kissed Spike with a closed mouth on the corner of his lips," said one person who saw them together. "There was definitely a bit of caressing going on. She was clutching his arm. The body language was very romantic." Great. Fantastic for Michelle. I'm sure Spike will be good with the kid. Too bad I find both of them boring. Sorry, not a Spike Jonze fan. I've never cared for high-concept jacking-off and muddy lighting. And Williams was overrated in Brokeback.

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The Classics Never Lose Their Kick

slamcut — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 17:39:00 GMT

A Wisconsin teenager is blaming the film Natural Born Killers for inspiring him to murder his 18-year-old girlfriend. Eric Tavulares, 18, told cops he and his sweetheart Lauren Aljubouri, whom he'd dated on-and-off since grade school, were watching the Oliver Stone-directed shocker the night he strangled her. He says they shut the film off halfway and went to bed, but then "but something caused him to switch mentally and he rolled over on Lauren Aljubouri and he began strangling her." Tavulares, a recent high school graduate, had planned to study fire science at technical college before he punched his ticket to prison. Please tell me you have to go through some kind of psych evaluation before you can study fire science. It's sad that a movie as bad as Natural Born Killers can have that kind of impact on someone. If this fucker Tavulares had any taste at all, dear little Lauren would still be with us right now.

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Sienna Sues

slamcut — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 17:34:00 GMT

Sienna Miller is suing Big Pictures photo agency and tabloids News of the World and The Sun over snaps of her naked and making out with Balthazar Getty, claiming her privacy was violated. Privacy? Oh Sienna hon...you don't get to tramp it up around the world for publicity then bitch about having no privacy. People like you wouldn't know what to do with privacy anyway. You'd get lonely and bored.

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Lohan's Pit

slamcut — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 14:44:00 GMT

Lindsay Lohan shows us the best-smelling part of her body.

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Tisdale Gets Her Nails Done

slamcut — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 14:42:00 GMT

Is she drunk? She's got worse wonk than Paris.

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Where Did They Find Her?

slamcut — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 13:00:00 GMT

View dingbat Sherri Shepherd - you know, the one who thinks the world is flat and childbeating is good - has topped her idiot self with her remarks to a Christian magazine about her sordid past. "I was sleeping with a lot of guys and had more abortions than I would like to count," the moron bragged to a rag called Precious Times. She then went on to discuss her plans for luring Barbara Walters away from Judaism. "Oh, sometimes I say, 'Lord, [evangelists] Juanita Bynum or Joyce Meyer would be so good at this table. They could lay hands on Barbara and get her saved.'" Barbara needs saving from what Sherri? The hell she'll be consigned to because she's a Jew? Why don't you just come out and say that? Oh, I see...you don't want to get canned from The View. See? This is my problem with people like Shepherd...it's not that they believe idiotic things, it's that they lack the courage of their own dimwitted convictions. They water down the bullshit they hand out for public consumption because they know if they ever really cut loose they'd be mopping floors at Arby's in four seconds flat. If Shepherd wants to impress me she'll go on TV tomorrow and tell everyone what she really really thinks. You know, that homos should be burned alive, that Jews are Christ-killers and that the sun goes around the earth.

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Madonna Overworked

slamcut — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 12:38:00 GMT

Madonna's vagina isn't the only part of her that's overworked...apparently all of her is. A report in the Sun says the singer has been receiving treatment for anemia, and also recently suffered a knee injury. Her bad health has apparently made her even stroppier than ever, leading to tension with the slaves who toil for her on the tour she's preparing. Doctors ordered her to ease up, so she has begun taking a day off every week. Why not do us a favor and take the other six off too Madge? Everyone's sick of you...especially the homos you've been ripping off for decades.

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Peaches OD

slamcut — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 12:33:00 GMT

Bob Geldof's wayward daughter Peaches nearly died of an overdose in her crib in North London Sunday night. "Peaches could not breathe for several minutes after suffering a respiratory arrest," a source told the Sun. "If she had not received [mouth-to-mouth] she could have died or she could have suffered brain damage." Peaches' friend administered the life-saving mouth-to-mouth after finding her passed out on the floor. Good thing the friend acted so quickly...it would've been a shame for the world to be deprived of such a productive individual. The hard-partying spawn of celebrities are our most vital natural resource.

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Edwards Busted

slamcut — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 12:18:00 GMT

The Enquirer claims to have caught former presidential candidate and possible Barack Obama running mate John Edwards visiting his mistress and their love child at the Beverly Hilton in L.A. in the wee hours of the morning. Said mistress, a divorcee named Rielle Hunter, allegedly drove from Santa Barbara for her secret meeting with Edwards, who was in L.A. for a press event with mayor Antonio Villagairosa. Edwards allegedly visited with Hunter and his child for a brief time, then attempted to sneak out of the hotel...but was caught by Enquirer reporters. An account from the Enquirer website: Senior NATIONAL ENQUIRER Reporter Alexander Hitchen asked Edwards why he was visiting Rielle and whether he was ready to confirm that he was the father of her baby. Shocked to see a reporter, and without saying anything, Edwards ran up the stairs leading from the hotel basement to the lobby. But, spotting a photographer, he doubled back into the basement. As he emerged from the stairwell, reporter Butterfield questioned him about his hookup with Rielle. Edwards did not answer and then ran into a nearby restroom. He stayed inside for about 15 minutes, refusing to answer questions from the NATIONAL ENQUIRER about what he was doing in the hotel. A group of hotel security men eventually escorted him from the men's room, while preventing the NATIONAL ENQUIRER reporters from following him out of the hotel. Said reporter Hitchen: "After we confronted him about seeing Rielle, Edwards looked like a deer caught in headlights! "He was clearly surprised that we had caught him at this very late hour inside the hotel. "Some guests up at this late hour watched the spectacle in amusement from a staircase nearby." The Enquirer has been investigating this story for months, and previously reported the existence of the love child, a report that was denied by Mr. Edwards. And do I need to remind everyone that John's wife Elizabeth is currently being treated for cancer? I know one name we can scratch off that list of Obama running mates.

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